[ It's late in the afternoon when there's the quiet metallic ping of knife-feet against the floor in the hallway, slowly drawing closer. Then a knock at the door to Zed's apartment, tapping once, then twice.
Avicebron hadn't bothered to contact Zed beforehand, since he doesn't plan on staying long. He's just here to return a pair of books he'd borrowed, and then he'll probably be on his way.
[An unexpected guest, huh? Zed meanders to the door, somehow not really surprised at all. He just hopes it isn't a stalker Prismal from the restaurant he'd been at. Luckily it isn't, and he's happy to see a familiar face figure when he checks the outside view. So Zed opens the door with a smile:]
Hello, Caster...I'm getting to the end of this experiment, but what's up?
[He's got a button-up on instead of his usual top and gear, but at least his voice is distinctive enough!]
[ Avicebron looks up when the door opens, and reflexively backs off a step. For a moment, he thinks he's somehow ended up at the wrong apartment, and the mere thought of having to explain the situation to a stranger is exasperating.
And then he recognizes the voice. ]
... Zed.
[ A tilt of the head as he looks this stranger -- or rather, Zed (?) over. He's unmistakably human. There's a pause before he speaks stiffly. ]
[There's a pause on his end as well because...yes, that's a very obvious observation to be making. But it probably isn't what Avicebron expected, so he doesn't think too hard about the tone.]
Right...I made a brief announcement on the network mentions that the Potion of Pining does have the capability of a complete species transformation. This is the result.
[He lifts his wrist to tap his device for the timer that's set.]
I have a couple hours left before I revert, although I didn't make plans ahead of time if the potion did work out. [Zed side-steps as he gestures towards inside:] Would you like come inside...?
[He's at least aware of the books the Servant is holding.]
[ Aah, this is what he gets for ignoring that network for long stretches. There's a brief pause before he nods. ]
Mm. Thank you.
[ He hadn't originally planned on staying, but after seeing Zed in his transformed state, he has questions. Avicebron hands the books over as he steps in. ]
I enjoyed these. Your recommendations were very thoughtful.
[ That matter done and set aside, he gives a small cant of the head, looking Zed over more curiously. ]
... this transformation. Did you specifically wish to become human?
I'm glad to hear that. [He really means it because of how much time he puts into thinking of which books Avicebron would like. He tries too hard to please.
After taking the books and shutting the door, Zed moves towards the coffee table to set them down...only to stop rather stiffly mid-step when the question comes out.]
Ah, well... [Somehow "yes" doesn't feel like the correct answer even if it's true. So Zed's gaze darts around for the brief moment he takes to find a good enough explanation.] The description said that it could change the user's species, so I decided to test it out.
[ That mid-step pause was rather hard to miss. As was the obvious darting of his gaze -- he must be unused to having such distinct pupils. It's not terribly surprising that Zed's a rather poor liar, and Avicebron regards him quietly for a moment.
But he only gives a small nod for now. ]
And how are you finding it? Being human.
[ There's a lot he could say, but it may be best to take things slowly. Zed is an awfully earnest youth, after all. ]
I'm no longer human myself, of course, but much of my physical being is still based on my human form. I'm curious to know what kind of differences you find notable.
[ 'I'm not criticizing you, be honest,' in other words. ]
[There's another pause, although it's more thoughtful in nature as his uncertainty fades. If Avicebron really wants to listen, then it shouldn't be bad to share his thoughts. Finally, a soft smile settles into place when Zed begins:]
I'm still adjusting to differences in sensory processing, but...it's convenient. I don't have to worry about breathing, and I don't have to think about how to touch things. [He shifts the books in his hands and grips them, knowing that he'd probably leave scratches if he still had his claws.]
I've been getting a lot of looks, but it's mainly due to the potion. It's better than... [being stared at because he doesn't belong. Zed trails off and decides to continue his move to the table to set the books down. Then, turning back to Avicebron:]
It's...just an experiment. It's not like it's permanent. [He still maintains that smile, but there's a wistful quality in his eyes that wouldn't be immediately obvious with his original facial features.]
[ It's not like he's not paying attention to Zed's answer. It all makes sense -- the differences in sensory perception, the ease of breathing, the convenience of soft fingertips. They're certainly interesting things to note, and under different circumstances, Avicebron might have pressed for details.
But seeing that wistful looks in Zed's eyes makes it a little hard for him to do so. ]
... I see. [ Unseen, he frowns. There's the soft creak of the sofa as he takes a seat, legs crossed and hands laced over one knee. ] You sound like you wouldn't be unhappy if the transformation were permanent.
[ Even if he makes an effort to keep his voice gentle, it still comes out a little blunt. He's never been good at handling other people with grace and tact. ]
[Getting right to it, huh? Zed can tell Avicebron's trying to be gentle, but it's fine. He's used to bluntness. What's not fine is the conflict that's suddenly rising up in his thoughts and making his chest feel tight.]
...You're not wrong. [Zed sighs as he takes a seat beside the Servant, and he leans forward with his hands clasped together in front of him. It gives him something to focus on.]
It's nice...not being so different. To be able to exist as if it were natural. [He chuckles dryly:] I'm not a fish out of water.
[ He taps at his mask. Surely, Zed remembers the numerous scars etched across his skin. ]
I've felt the same way, though probably to a lesser extent. My illness began in my youth and persisted until my death. I've few memories of feeling at home around others.
But Zed.
[ Avicebron shifts to look straight at him, speaking calmly. Not judgemental or critical, just matter-of-fact. ]
Unlike my illness, your chimerism is not an aberration from your normal state of being. Rueing your appearance would be the equivalent of judging your very nature. Would that not cause you greater hurt in the long term?
[Oh, he remembers, and Zed listens along...although he can't bear to look at Avicebron. Not even when he's so direct, verbally and physically. He gets what he's trying to say, he really does. And yet, his eyes remain glued to his hands as a deep sadness reveals itself:]
My very existence doesn't conform to the laws of nature. I've been an aberration from the beginning.
[Zed had accepted it before. But without his found-family, without his duties as a Big Dipper disciple, and without the madness of HL running his life...he's had too much time to think. Lunatia has left him with too much time to think, drink, and dwell on so many different things. Maybe he wouldn't have been so tempted by the prospect of transforming back home. To be human, to be able to breathe freely, to be temporarily part of a collective species rather than a singular, unrelated entity.
He's been hurting, and finally being able to voice that pain makes him realize how homesick he feels. There's shame, too, for suddenly dumping heavy thoughts out in the open. He's not even drunk, damn it. It's probably something Avicebron doesn't want to hear.]
...Please don't think badly of me. [Zed's voice is soft, apprehensive. Yet he still manages to turn his head to partially meet the Servant's gaze.] I'm just lost right now.
[ That much, he says promptly. Self-doubt is hardly a sin, after all. But Avicebron falls silent afterward, staring off towards the far wall. He's always been poor at dealing with people, and while he knows what he wants to say, it takes a moment for him to find the proper words for it. The words that might help Zed, rather than simply deliver his thoughts. ]
... I would not claim to know your circumstances. But I've witnessed much of human history, Zed. A great many things are judged as being 'against the laws of nature' or 'beyond comprehension' before human knowledge can catch up. Technology, magecraft, those with unique abilities. Of course, it's unfair that such pioneers are burdened by the doubt of the populus. But that is simply human nature, to doubt that which is unfamiliar.
[ He sighs quietly before continuing, looking towards Zed, hands resting against his knees. ]
That is to say -- I care little that you 'don't conform to the laws of nature.' To my knowledge, you are an earnest, thoughtful and hardworking young man. Well-learned and considerate of others. I'm sure many are grateful to call you a friend. So you're free to consider this human form of yours an improvement if it brings you necessary peace of mind. But you should not deride your true self. You've much to be proud of.
[The reassurance relieves Zed's worry as quickly as it arrived, and he allows the moment of silence just so he can take a deep "breath". He figures it's for Avicebron to gather his thoughts, and Zed listens carefully when he presents them. There's a contrary part of him that wants to mention the Alterworld and the Beyondians, but he doesn't. He doesn't want to interrupt.
That is until Avicebron begins an assault of compliments. Zed's face heats up almost immediately, and he's back to looking at his hands as his cheeks and the tips of his ears turn pink. If the plan was to shock Zed out of his sudden moodiness, it's definitely left an impact. It technically wasn't a part that the fishman was focused on criticizing, but Avicebron's made his point anyways. Based on the description, he does have a lot going for him...even if those qualities don't negate the internal struggles he's been bottling up.
Still, he's grateful and embarrassed all at once.]
...I'm glad you see me that way. [Zed pauses before carefully reaching out to cover the Servant's hand with own. His heart is practically pounding in his ears, but he still does it anyways.]
Your words are always so considerate...I can't help but take them to heart. Thank you.
[ He looks down at the gentle weight of Zed's hand on his. After a brief pause, he turns his hand around, palm-up, fingers curving to grip gently back at him. It's a gesture rather at odds with what he says next. ]
No, I'm not a particularly considerate person, Zed. [ He looks away, head canted in thought. ] I'm not saying these things to flatter you.
[ Avicebron gives a brief hum of thought before continuing. His voice is a touch softer, and a tiny bit wistful. ]
I had very few people to look to in my youth. But I did have the support of a great man -- he saw the potential in me and encouraged me to cultivate my skills despite my illness and my disposition. His guidance gave me the strength to endure my ostracization. Without him, I would not be here. [ He nods, as if affirming his own words, then looks to Zed once more. ] I would not equate myself to him, or to you. But I feel he would have said something similar. It can often be difficult to know oneself, and hearing another's assessment can help strength one's self-identity. So don't consider my words as comfort, but as truthful observations
[Avicebron is doing a truly terrible job convincing him of otherwise. Especially when Zed laces their fingers together. No webbing to get in the way; it's a small detail that stands out to him vividly. Not that it distracts Zed from further listening-- in fact, Avicebron has his full attention as he follows along because it is not often that the Servant talks about himself. He's used to secretive people (namely the Count and Master Raju), so hearing even just a snippet of the man's history brings a warm smile to Zed's face. The sentiment behind why it's being shared helps too, of course.]
Then I will take them as such. [And still find comfort in the truth. Which really doesn't help:] However, I still stand by my belief that you've been very considerate. Towards me, at least. Although I don't doubt that I'm not the only one.
[There's a slight squeeze to Avicebron's hand.]
Whether you accept that or not...I'm glad that you shared with me.
[ He looks down, feeling the way Zed's fingers squeeze against his own. It's a little warmer than he remembers Zed's hand being; even with his glove in the way, he can tell that the texture of human skin is different from Zed's normal skin. But not necessarily better. Just different.
Eventually, he gives a small sigh. His immediate instinct is to rebuke Zed, to affirm that he's hardly someone worthy of such praise, but ... Zed seems content. No need to squelch that good mood.
He'll allow it for now. ]
I lived a fairly miserable life. There isn't much else worth sharing. [ It's said mildly, matter-of-factly, not at all fishing for pity. But it at least explains why it never really occurs to him to speak about his past. ] But if my words could bring you some comfort, I'm relieved.
[ He gives a small nod, as if punctuating his point. ]
There's little I can do to help you. But I hope you're able to be at peace with yourself soon. I feel you're worthy of it.
Worthy, hm... [It's bizarre how a few words can feel so warm, and Zed's not sure if Avicebron understands the gift he's given him. If only he could say that he will be at peace, that that's all it takes. Life would just be so much easier. In the end, it comes down to wanting to give something back in return. Not that he has an easy solution for that either. All he has right now are his own words.]
You've helped me more than you know. I enjoy spending time together and learning more about you...It has made existing here more bearable.
[There's a blush that stretches from his cheeks to the tips of his ears at his own sincerity, and for some reason his gaze sets on their joined hands rather than looking at Avicebron directly.]
[ His shoulders sink as he gives a small sigh, a little fond and a little exasperated. He doubts he'll ever understand why Zed seems so attached to him, what Zed could possibly get from spending time with him.
But as a lifelong loner, he can't possibly say it's unpleasant. That sort of admiration and warmth ... it's far better than he deserves, but he also can't bring himself to rebuke Zed at the moment. ]
I'm sure this city can offer you many more enjoyable things, Zed. But ... mm. If talking to me is enough to ease your worries, you're free to seek me out whenever you need.
[ He reaches over with his other hand and pats Zed's. A slightly awkward, but not insincere gesture, meant to be comforting. ]
In the meantime, are you sure you're content to finish your experiment here? I would think you would want to get the most out of your transformed time.
[ What do young, good-looking people do here, anyway. ]
[Young, good-looking people read and study and read more, right? That's totally the answer! Zed recognizes Avicebron's effort (and slight awkwardness) with a nod before he reluctantly pulls his hands away. At least his excuse could focus on the chroma instead of actually wanting to hold the man's hand-- well, anyways, the question is a good distraction. He rubs the side of his neck unconsciously.]
This is more of a test run. I want to make sure I have a water source if the potion's duration is shorter than expected. There's two doses left after this. I went out to eat before returning here, so it's not like I've been haven't been outside yet. [Always pragmatic. Zed pauses for a moment and drops his hand back onto his lap.]
Do you have any thoughts? On what I should consider trying out...
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
action ; 12 / 1
Avicebron hadn't bothered to contact Zed beforehand, since he doesn't plan on staying long. He's just here to return a pair of books he'd borrowed, and then he'll probably be on his way.
Probably. ]
Lol the thread to break into Zed's inbox
facefigure when he checks the outside view. So Zed opens the door with a smile:]Hello, Caster...I'm getting to the end of this experiment, but what's up?
[He's got a button-up on instead of his usual top and gear, but at least his voice is distinctive enough!]
yeehaw, leaves my greasy handprints all over it
And then he recognizes the voice. ]
... Zed.
[ A tilt of the head as he looks this stranger -- or rather, Zed (?) over. He's unmistakably human. There's a pause before he speaks stiffly. ]
You're looking rather different.
no subject
Right...I made a brief announcement on the network mentions that the Potion of Pining does have the capability of a complete species transformation. This is the result.
[He lifts his wrist to tap his device for the timer that's set.]
I have a couple hours left before I revert, although I didn't make plans ahead of time if the potion did work out. [Zed side-steps as he gestures towards inside:] Would you like come inside...?
[He's at least aware of the books the Servant is holding.]
no subject
Mm. Thank you.
[ He hadn't originally planned on staying, but after seeing Zed in his transformed state, he has questions. Avicebron hands the books over as he steps in. ]
I enjoyed these. Your recommendations were very thoughtful.
[ That matter done and set aside, he gives a small cant of the head, looking Zed over more curiously. ]
... this transformation. Did you specifically wish to become human?
no subject
He tries too hard to please.After taking the books and shutting the door, Zed moves towards the coffee table to set them down...only to stop rather stiffly mid-step when the question comes out.]
Ah, well... [Somehow "yes" doesn't feel like the correct answer even if it's true. So Zed's gaze darts around for the brief moment he takes to find a good enough explanation.] The description said that it could change the user's species, so I decided to test it out.
[So...yeah.]
no subject
But he only gives a small nod for now. ]
And how are you finding it? Being human.
[ There's a lot he could say, but it may be best to take things slowly. Zed is an awfully earnest youth, after all. ]
I'm no longer human myself, of course, but much of my physical being is still based on my human form. I'm curious to know what kind of differences you find notable.
[ 'I'm not criticizing you, be honest,' in other words. ]
no subject
I'm still adjusting to differences in sensory processing, but...it's convenient. I don't have to worry about breathing, and I don't have to think about how to touch things. [He shifts the books in his hands and grips them, knowing that he'd probably leave scratches if he still had his claws.]
I've been getting a lot of looks, but it's mainly due to the potion. It's better than... [being stared at because he doesn't belong. Zed trails off and decides to continue his move to the table to set the books down. Then, turning back to Avicebron:]
It's...just an experiment. It's not like it's permanent. [He still maintains that smile, but there's a wistful quality in his eyes that wouldn't be immediately obvious with his original facial features.]
no subject
But seeing that wistful looks in Zed's eyes makes it a little hard for him to do so. ]
... I see. [ Unseen, he frowns. There's the soft creak of the sofa as he takes a seat, legs crossed and hands laced over one knee. ] You sound like you wouldn't be unhappy if the transformation were permanent.
[ Even if he makes an effort to keep his voice gentle, it still comes out a little blunt. He's never been good at handling other people with grace and tact. ]
no subject
...You're not wrong. [Zed sighs as he takes a seat beside the Servant, and he leans forward with his hands clasped together in front of him. It gives him something to focus on.]
It's nice...not being so different. To be able to exist as if it were natural. [He chuckles dryly:] I'm not a fish out of water.
no subject
[ He taps at his mask. Surely, Zed remembers the numerous scars etched across his skin. ]
I've felt the same way, though probably to a lesser extent. My illness began in my youth and persisted until my death. I've few memories of feeling at home around others.
But Zed.
[ Avicebron shifts to look straight at him, speaking calmly. Not judgemental or critical, just matter-of-fact. ]
Unlike my illness, your chimerism is not an aberration from your normal state of being. Rueing your appearance would be the equivalent of judging your very nature. Would that not cause you greater hurt in the long term?
no subject
My very existence doesn't conform to the laws of nature. I've been an aberration from the beginning.
[Zed had accepted it before. But without his found-family, without his duties as a Big Dipper disciple, and without the madness of HL running his life...he's had too much time to think. Lunatia has left him with too much time to think, drink, and dwell on so many different things. Maybe he wouldn't have been so tempted by the prospect of transforming back home. To be human, to be able to breathe freely, to be temporarily part of a collective species rather than a singular, unrelated entity.
He's been hurting, and finally being able to voice that pain makes him realize how homesick he feels. There's shame, too, for suddenly dumping heavy thoughts out in the open. He's not even drunk, damn it. It's probably something Avicebron doesn't want to hear.]
...Please don't think badly of me. [Zed's voice is soft, apprehensive. Yet he still manages to turn his head to partially meet the Servant's gaze.] I'm just lost right now.
no subject
[ That much, he says promptly. Self-doubt is hardly a sin, after all. But Avicebron falls silent afterward, staring off towards the far wall. He's always been poor at dealing with people, and while he knows what he wants to say, it takes a moment for him to find the proper words for it. The words that might help Zed, rather than simply deliver his thoughts. ]
... I would not claim to know your circumstances. But I've witnessed much of human history, Zed. A great many things are judged as being 'against the laws of nature' or 'beyond comprehension' before human knowledge can catch up. Technology, magecraft, those with unique abilities. Of course, it's unfair that such pioneers are burdened by the doubt of the populus. But that is simply human nature, to doubt that which is unfamiliar.
[ He sighs quietly before continuing, looking towards Zed, hands resting against his knees. ]
That is to say -- I care little that you 'don't conform to the laws of nature.' To my knowledge, you are an earnest, thoughtful and hardworking young man. Well-learned and considerate of others. I'm sure many are grateful to call you a friend. So you're free to consider this human form of yours an improvement if it brings you necessary peace of mind. But you should not deride your true self. You've much to be proud of.
no subject
That is until Avicebron begins an assault of compliments. Zed's face heats up almost immediately, and he's back to looking at his hands as his cheeks and the tips of his ears turn pink. If the plan was to shock Zed out of his sudden moodiness, it's definitely left an impact. It technically wasn't a part that the fishman was focused on criticizing, but Avicebron's made his point anyways. Based on the description, he does have a lot going for him...even if those qualities don't negate the internal struggles he's been bottling up.
Still, he's grateful and embarrassed all at once.]
...I'm glad you see me that way. [Zed pauses before carefully reaching out to cover the Servant's hand with own. His heart is practically pounding in his ears, but he still does it anyways.]
Your words are always so considerate...I can't help but take them to heart. Thank you.
no subject
No, I'm not a particularly considerate person, Zed. [ He looks away, head canted in thought. ] I'm not saying these things to flatter you.
[ Avicebron gives a brief hum of thought before continuing. His voice is a touch softer, and a tiny bit wistful. ]
I had very few people to look to in my youth. But I did have the support of a great man -- he saw the potential in me and encouraged me to cultivate my skills despite my illness and my disposition. His guidance gave me the strength to endure my ostracization. Without him, I would not be here. [ He nods, as if affirming his own words, then looks to Zed once more. ] I would not equate myself to him, or to you. But I feel he would have said something similar. It can often be difficult to know oneself, and hearing another's assessment can help strength one's self-identity. So don't consider my words as comfort, but as truthful observations
no subject
Then I will take them as such. [And still find comfort in the truth. Which really doesn't help:] However, I still stand by my belief that you've been very considerate. Towards me, at least. Although I don't doubt that I'm not the only one.
[There's a slight squeeze to Avicebron's hand.]
Whether you accept that or not...I'm glad that you shared with me.
no subject
Eventually, he gives a small sigh. His immediate instinct is to rebuke Zed, to affirm that he's hardly someone worthy of such praise, but ... Zed seems content. No need to squelch that good mood.
He'll allow it for now. ]
I lived a fairly miserable life. There isn't much else worth sharing. [ It's said mildly, matter-of-factly, not at all fishing for pity. But it at least explains why it never really occurs to him to speak about his past. ] But if my words could bring you some comfort, I'm relieved.
[ He gives a small nod, as if punctuating his point. ]
There's little I can do to help you. But I hope you're able to be at peace with yourself soon. I feel you're worthy of it.
no subject
You've helped me more than you know. I enjoy spending time together and learning more about you...It has made existing here more bearable.
[There's a blush that stretches from his cheeks to the tips of his ears at his own sincerity, and for some reason his gaze sets on their joined hands rather than looking at Avicebron directly.]
no subject
But as a lifelong loner, he can't possibly say it's unpleasant. That sort of admiration and warmth ... it's far better than he deserves, but he also can't bring himself to rebuke Zed at the moment. ]
I'm sure this city can offer you many more enjoyable things, Zed. But ... mm. If talking to me is enough to ease your worries, you're free to seek me out whenever you need.
[ He reaches over with his other hand and pats Zed's. A slightly awkward, but not insincere gesture, meant to be comforting. ]
In the meantime, are you sure you're content to finish your experiment here? I would think you would want to get the most out of your transformed time.
[ What do young, good-looking people do here, anyway. ]
no subject
Young, good-looking people read and study and read more, right? That's totally the answer!Zed recognizes Avicebron's effort (and slight awkwardness) with a nod before he reluctantly pulls his hands away. At least his excuse could focus on the chroma instead of actually wanting to hold the man's hand-- well, anyways, the question is a good distraction. He rubs the side of his neck unconsciously.]This is more of a test run. I want to make sure I have a water source if the potion's duration is shorter than expected. There's two doses left after this. I went out to eat before returning here, so it's not like I've been haven't been outside yet. [Always pragmatic. Zed pauses for a moment and drops his hand back onto his lap.]
Do you have any thoughts? On what I should consider trying out...